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I just feel like crap – think I’m worrying too much about going back to work next week.

The past six weeks have been the worse of my life and to be honest I wasn’t going to post about it but I have been keeping a mood diary every day since I broke down and I know getting it off my chest helps way better than stewing on it.

Never have before have I thought that ending my life would make things easier on others – I know suicide is not the answer to get rid of problems but I really thought about it. I wasn’t getting the support I needed from Lee at the time and just felt like I was stuck in some sort of groundhog day doing the same stuff over and over on my own all the time.

I know I couldn’t kill myself by taking tablets, slitting my wrists or anything else like that so my means of doing away with myself was to just drive my car into the canal and drown because I have no control over that – my logic being that I can’t swim so chances wod be pretty high that I would succeed unless a passer by got to me that is.

You see i have thought long and hard about how to kill myself.

The only thing stopping me is that tiny bit of rational voice in my head that wasn’t consumed by what I call the darkness. Post Natal Depression is still in ways a tabboo subject – and not fully understood as to why it happens, for me I left it to long to get help but I now know that how I was feeling was t normal from day one and if I was ever to have anymore children then I think and hope that I’m able to recognise the signs but I hope I don’t have to go through this again.

I will be on medication for 6-12 months possible shorter or longer depending on how I’m doing my biggest fear is becoming dependent on the pills so much that I won’t want to come of them for fear of another breakdown.

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